Happy Three Kings Day.   It is a bit ironic that I am up here speaking - my parents were always very disappointed that I did not go to the seminary after college. Maybe this will soften that disappointment.

But, I may have made a mistake in agreeing to do this.  I find the days between Christmas and now to be the toughest time of the year emotionally.  This is a period of great reflection - something that produces great angst and turmoil within me.  Have I been good or bad (Santa is checking the list)?  My birthday, which means I am getting older.  Making New Year's resolutions.

My fear is that this homily may be more melancholic than one would like.

Yet, preparing this has given me a chance to do, as Jeremy suggested prior to the start of the Advent season, to look within; to think about my strengths and weaknesses.  To really take a hard, close look at myself.  I am not very good at it since this requires a level of honesty for which I am not sure that I am prepared.  It probably explains my deep dislike of mirrors - until a couple of months ago, I would never have had a mirror outside of the bathroom.  When you cannot be completely honest with yourself, the reflection in the mirror can be very haunting.

Last Spring, I attended a series of studies on the desert fathers and mothers.  During those study sessions, the message I came away with was that to truly find God, we must also find ourselves.  These early Christians went into the desert to get away from the distractions that kept them from knowing themselves and thus knowing God.  I also learned that it is a journey through the desert, not a destination.

My resolution for 2008 is that I will begin my own journey through the desert.

Growing up in a very conservative and religious household in which children were to be seen and not heard, God was a very frightening entity who punished you for being bad.  I learned very early in life to speak and behave only in ways that were pleasing to the adult authority figures around me.  Thus, I became what others expected me to be - the perfect child.  Good grades, active in church and the community, etc. Outward perfection. What I felt or thought was relegated to the back burner - it was not to be mentioned or allowed to come out.  In other words, I created this false persona.  I did not rock the boat.  I did not make statements or ask questions that would change the perception that others (adults) had of me.  As time passed, the real me was buried deeper and deeper.  Despite the inner turmoil, I continued to make choices based on what I thought was what others expected of me - college, career, marriage, kids and religion.