Taize homily by Tom Wehr, on December 6, 2009

            When John asked me to give a homily and talk about my spiritual journey, I wasn't sure what to say. I'm 30 years old, so it's been a long journey. There have been a lot of mistakes, a lot of lessons learned, a lot of points when I felt God touch my life, and a lot of spiritual growth. Pretty quickly, though, I decided I wanted to share about the most difficult period I have experienced in my life; the choices I made that led me to that place; my struggles;  and my eventual self-realizations.

            Two years ago, on the weekend after Thanksgiving, my life fell apart. At the time, I was living with my partner of 5 years and we were having serious problems. For a while, we had been dishonest with each other and were not talking about our issues in a failed effort to maintain the peace. The lack of communication and lies grew, until it became a crisis. It came to a head when my partner found out I had cheated on him. We were trying to talk about it, but it was too difficult. All the anger and sadness caused by too many years of lying and not communicating was forced to the surface, and we weren't able to deal with the strain. Our argument turned physical and my partner ripped a mirror off the wall and tried to smash it over my head. I ran from the condo. When I returned, there was an eerie quiet. I opened the bathroom door to find my partner in the bathtub with a knife in his chest, the water red with blood. While waiting for the paramedics to arrive and keeping pressure on the wound to slow the bleeding, I sat there thinking.  What have I done? How did I hurt the person I loved so much that he wanted to kill himself? I was racked with guilt.

            The MedStar unit at Washington Hospital Center was able to save my partner, but unfortunately, physical healing is much simpler than emotional healing. Over the next few months, we both met with therapists and tried couple's counseling to see if we could work things out. As much as we tried, the years of built up dishonesty had destroyed our relationship. There was not even a foundation from which to begin rebuilding.

Two months had passed and we were still trying to work things out. One day, I came home from work to find my partner lying on the couch, unconscious, with vials of IV sedatives in the trash and morphine patches in his mouth. He was in a coma for 3 days after that. I couldn't sleep, shook uncontrollably, and barely ate.  I just kept reliving everything that had happened in the last two months.

            I didn't know how to deal with what had happened. I felt guilty for everything I had said and done which had led to this horrific conclusion of a relationship that, at one time, I had cherished more than anything. I didn't know what to do to start the healing process, but I consulted with my friends, John, and my therapist. I prayed...a lot. During this time, I discovered a few passages in the Bible that really spoke to me and my situation.

At the beginning of the book of Isaiah, Isaiah is addressing the nation of Judah and calling them back to the Lord. "Oh what a sinful nation they are! They are loaded down with a burden of guilt."[i] I, like the nation of Judah, was being crushed under the weight of my guilt of my own sins: dishonesty and adultery. I felt that I was responsible for everything that happened. I had very nearly ruined two lives through the poor decisions I had made.

But, Isaiah told the nation of Judah, "Wash yourselves and be clean! ... Give up your wicked ways. Learn to do good."[ii] Then the Lord said, "No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool."[iii] Reading that passage filled me with a sense of hope and encouragement. I, too, could be washed clean of my sins.

First John 1:9 said, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Even though God is omniscient and already knew all my sins, I struggled to admit the horrible things I had done. I couldn't tell God I had betrayed Him, my partner, and myself.

Finally, I decided to face God, admit what I had done, and ask for His forgiveness. I got to church early one week and opened up the Book of Common Prayer to a prayer on forgiveness John had mentioned to me. I sat here in the sanctuary, back in the corner where I always sit, praying with tears in my eyes. I accepted responsibility for my actions. I vowed never to do that to anyone ever again. I asked for forgiveness. I found peace knowing that no matter how badly I screwed things up, and no matter how abhorrent my sins, I could still find forgiveness from God.

Still, even knowing that God forgave me, I felt guilty and held on to a lot of anger.  I felt better, but my healing was not complete. I realized I had to ask forgiveness from my ex-partner, and forgive him as well. Matthew 6:14 tells us, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." It took many difficult conversations over several months to complete that healing process. There was so much built up anger and resentment that it was extremely difficult for us to forgive each other. Eventually we both did and found peace.

Today, almost exactly two years later, after a long and painful struggle with myself over the choices I made, I stand here before you sharing my story, hoping that it might help one of you, as it has helped me. No matter what you do, God can and will forgive you. Just ask him. Accept God's forgiveness, forgive others, and forgive yourself. Learn from your mistakes to improve your life. My ex and I both have second chances to rebuild our lives. For that, I am grateful.

[i] Isaiah 1:4

[ii] Isaiah 1:16-17

[iii] Isaiah 1:18