The priest who was my spiritual director for the retreat asked me my goal for the week. I answered that I wanted to discern what God wanted from me. The priest wisely gave me a passage written by the Jesuit theologian Anthony de Mello. He told me to reflect on the passage, then to envision a conversation with Jesus himself, where I could ask or tell him anything I wanted.

The passage from de Mello said: “I had a fairly good relationship with the Lord. I would ask him for things, converse with him, praise him, thank him. . .But always I had this uncomfortable feeling that he wanted me to look into his eyes. . .and I would not. I would talk but look away when I sensed he was looking at me.

“I always looked away. And I knew why. I was afraid. I thought I should find an accusation there of some unrepented sin. I thought I should find a demand there: there would be something he wanted from me.

“One day I finally summoned up courage and looked! There was no accusation. There was no demand. The eyes just said, ‘I love you.’ I looked long into those eyes. I looked searchingly. Still the only message was, ‘I love you!’”

“And I walked out and, like Peter, I wept.”

The passage struck me deeply: I was afraid to face God. So it was with some trepidation that I began the reflection exercise suggested by my spiritual director, imagining myself speaking directly to God in the person of Jesus Christ.

When I first closed my eyes, imagining myself walking with Jesus along the beach (I figured that was where Jesus most enjoyed spending time with his disciples), I was scared. All of my shortcomings, all of my sinfulness, flooded up in me.

Yet Jesus did not say anything about my failings. All he did was listen, and smile. And when I tried to turn away, he called my name, reached out and held me. And I was overwhelmed with love.